Two Celtic fans were sitting in their local one Saturday afternoon watching the news on television while waiting for the classified results to come up. One got up to get the next round in. When he came back he was surprised to discover his pal gazing fixedly at the screen with tears in his eyes.
'What's the matter wi you?' he enquired.
'It was this item on the news,' the other Bhoy explained. They said a Rangers supporters' bus was in a smash on the motorway. It somersaulted three times, ended up on its roof, and everybody in it was kilt.'
'That's terrible, so it is. But hey, you're getting awful soft-hearted, aren't ye no? I've seen a time when you'd've been laughin at that, no greetin.'
'Well, the worst of it is,' said his pal, wiping away a tear, 'there were three empty seats on that bus.'
An Irish member of Celtic's far-flung travelling support had saved up enough money to make the trip to Glasgow for an Old Firm clash. This was a youth from an isolated country farm who had never been in a large city at all, never mind the metropolis of the west, and he walked the streets for hours before the match, staring all around. A Rangers supporter spotted the youth in his green-and-white scarf, watching the traffic lights at a busy crossing in Argyle Street, and thought he would wind him up.
'Do you know,' he asked the Irishman, 'that these are very special lights?'
'Is that so now?'
'Aye. See when the light's at red? That mean all the communists can go. See when it's at green? That when all the Irishmen can go.'
The young stranger was delighted.
Tis wonderful lights they are, so. They hardly give the Orange bastards a chance at all.'
A little boy took his parents to court because he did not want to live with them anymore. The honored judge said to him "So why don't you want to live with your dad?"
"Because he beats me" said the little boy.
"Why don't you want to live with your mum then?" asked the judge.
Because she beats me aswell.
"Oh" said the judge "Well who would you like to live with then?"
The little boy replied" I would like to live with Celtic FC, because they don't beat anyone!!"
A man goes to Glasgow airport and eventually goes into the departure lounge to wait for the call for his flight home. The place is a mess. All around him are overturned tables, smashed windows, upturned chairs, broken flight monitors and crowd control barriers littering the floor. "Christ, what happened here?" he asks one of the ground crew.
"Oh," he replies. "Bloody hopeless it was, we had the Rangers squad in here this morning filming the new Nike ad!"
A Rangers and Celtic fan get into a nasty car accident. Both vehicles are really wrecked, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the Celtic fan says, "So you're a Rangers fan, that's interesting. I'm a Celtic fan... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The Rangers fan replied,"Totally agree - this must be a sign from God!" The Rangers fan went on, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink it, to celebrate the fact we are alive and kicking?"
He hands the bottle to the Celtic fan who nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the Rangers fan. The Rangers fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands back to the Celtic fan. The Celtic fan asks, "Aren't you having any?" The Rangers fan replies, "Nah...I think I'll just wait for the police......"
Two boys were playing football in the park when suddenly one of them is attacked by a rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a fence,
forces it into the dog's collar and twists it, breaking the dog's neck.
All the while, a newspaper reporter from the Daily Record who was taking a stroll through the park is watching.
He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next edition.
He writes "Brave Rangers fan saves friend from vicious animal!"
The boy interrupts "But I'm not a Rangers fan."
The reporter starts again " Hero Hearts fan rescues friend from horrific attack!"
Again the boy interrupts "But I'm not a Hearts fan either."
"Who do you support then" inquires the reporter.
"Celtic" comes the reply.
So the reporter starts again
"Fenian bastard murders family pet."
Harald Brattbakk's wife wanted him locked up - she had had enough of the eejit.
So she went to the police and told them: "Please Help, my husband has been hitting me."
The Police gave sound advice: "Ma'm, don't worry. Just carry a goalpost in each hand - I guarantee he'll never hit you."
Q: What do you get when you cross a Hun with a pig?
A: I don't know, there are some things a pig just won't do.
Q: How do you keep a Sellik fan busy?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.
Once upon a time a Glasgow tourist wandered into a backstreet antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Looking around the goods on display, his eye was caught by a life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture was very detailed and lifelike, and it struck him as so unusual that he immediately asked the owner for a price. The owner, a wizened, elderly Chinese man with a long white wispy beard, smiled and spoke:
'Twelve dollars for the rat, and a further thousand dollars for the amazing story behind it.'
'You can keep the story, pal' said the Glasgow man, 'But I'll take the sculpture off your hands.'
The owner sighed but agreed to the sale and the tourist left the shop with the rat under his arm. As he crossed the street in front of the store he saw two rats emerge from a gutter and follow along behind him. This seemed a bit odd in broad daylight but he wasn't overly concerned and kept walking. Before long, however, he began to sweat nervously as more and more rats appeared and fell into step at his back.
By the time he had walked two blocks he had at least a hundred rats at his heels. Traffic was stopping in the street and passers-by were pointing and calling out. He stepped up his speed, hoping to shake them off, but even more of the rodents emerged to swell the procession, scrambling out of drains, abandoned houses, vacant lots, and garbage dumps. He broke into a trot but he could not outdistance the rats, who now formed a tailback stretching as far as he could see, all squealing hideously. Down the hill ahead of him he could see the blue water glinting in the harbour and he decided to make a run for it. His sudden sprint left the leading rats behind for a moment but they quickly upped their speed and soon closed the gap.
He pounded onto a pier, a desperate inspiration having come to him. At the water's edge he climbed up a lamp-post, holding on with one hand while with the other he flung the rat-figure as far as he could into the waters of San Francisco Bay. Just as he had hoped, the rats followed the sculpture and in their thousands they seethed over the pier and plunged headlong into the sea, where they churned the waters to foam as each and every one drowned.
Shaking with relief, the Glasgow man made sure that the coast was clear then climbed down, making his way back to the antique shop. The owner betrayed no surprise to see him come in.
'So' he said, 'You have returned to hear the story I told you of.'
'Actually, no,' the tourist replied, 'But I was wondering . . . you wouldn't happen to have a sculpture of a Rangers supporter?'
A white van driver used to keep himself amused by scaring witless every Glasgow Rangers fan he saw sauntering down High common road in his blue and white uniform. He would swerve as if to hit them, and at the last minute, swerve back onto the road.
One day as he was driving along the road, he saw a priest hitch-hiking. He thought he would do his good deed for the day and offer the priest a lift.
"Where are you off tae, Father?" he asked.
"I'm going to give Mass at St Michaels's church - it's aboot 2 miles down the road,".
"Nae worries," said the driver, "Hop in and I'll gee ya a lift."
The happy priest climbed into the van and they set off down the road. Suddenly the driver caught site of a Hun on the pavement, and instinctively swerved as if to hit him, but just in time, remembering the priest in his van, swerved back to the road again, narrowly missing the idiot. Although he was certain that he didn't hit him, however, he still heard a loud "Thud". Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors, and, seeing nothing, said to the priest, "Oh sorry Father, I nearly hit that Rangers Fan walking down the road there."
"No need to apologise Sonny," replied Father, "I got the ba$tard with the door!"
A Celtic supporter goes to his doctor to find out what's wrong with him.
"Your problem is you're fat, "says the doctor.
"I'd like a second opinion" responds the man.
"OK, you're ugly too" replies the doctor.
A Celtic fan enters a pub, after a few drinks he turns to the guy next to him and says, "Do you want to hear a Rangers joke?"
The guy turns to him and says "Listen mate before you tell the joke I should warn you, I’m 6ft 10 and a Rangers fan, that guy to your left is 6ft and a member of a flute band, and the guy there is 6ft 5 and a member of the orange order, Now do you still want to tell your joke?"
The Celtic fan replies, "No, not if I have to tell it 3 times
During a Parkhead team talk Wim Jansen was drawing the players' attention to Rangers' latest new signing, an apparently highly dangerous foreign striker. He spoke to one of his defenders: 'This guy's sure to be in the team when we play them at the weekend. It's down to you to take him out.'
The player agreed that he could manage that no bother.
When Saturday arrived Jansen was disgusted to see the new enemy forward run rings round the defender he had appointed to police him. At half-time he pulled up his disappointing player.
What's the problem with you? I told you it was up to you to take him out!'
'Ah did, boss! Ah took him oot last night an he drank us under the table!'
A Celtic supporter and a Rangers supporter stumble across a magic lamp. The Celts fan gets to it first, picks it up and gives it a rub. Instantly there is a flash and a puff of smoke and a genie appears. The genie looks at the two men and demands to know who it was that rubbed the lamp. Delighted with his luck, the Celtic supporter announces triumphantly that it was him.
'Okay,' says the genie, 'So you get the three wishes. But there's a catch.'
'What's that then?'
'Well, whatever you wish for, I'll give the other guy double.'
'That's all right with me, says the Hoops fan, and starts the ball rolling by wishing for a million pounds.
'Granted' says the genie, 'But the Rangers fan gets two million.'
'Fair enough. Now I'd like a nice new red Ferrari.' 'Done, but the Rangers fan gets two Ferraris.' 'Okay' says the Celtic man, 'I'd like to donate a kidney.'
A pupil at a Glasgow secondary school is being interviewed by his Careers Officer.
Careers Officer: Have you given any thought to what you want to do when you leave school?
Pupil: That's pimpsy . . . play for Manchester United.
Careers Officer: Is that it?
Careers Officer: But surely you've got to think of some alternatives?
Pupil: How? Man United are the best team in the world.
Careers Officer: But what if you're not good enough as a player?
Pupil: Ah'm good enough. Anyway, Ah'm a grafter an Ah don't mind startin aff in the reserves.
Careers Officer: But. . . Look, to put it bluntly, what if you can't play football at all?
Pupil: Ach, Ah suppose Ah'd need tae settle fur the Celtic.
A teacher explains to her class that she is a Ranger's fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Ranger's fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Ranger's fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Ranger's fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"The Glasgow Celtic, and proud of it," Janie replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why are you a Celtic fan?"
"Because my mum is a Celtic fan, and my dad is Celtic fan, so I'm a Celtic fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to be a Celtic fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of time. What if your mum were a moron and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?"
"Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Ranger's fan."
Walter Smith pays a visit to Parkhead to welcome Wim Jansen to his new job. Jansen asks him into his office and asks the tea lady to bring them both a cup of tea. They chat for a few minutes, then the tea appears. Smith is surprised to find it being served in plastic cups.
'What's the matter,' he says, 'Haven't you got any mugs?'
'Yes,' says Jansen, 'But they're all out training at the moment.'
When John Greig was manager of Rangers he decided that his team needed more individual flair. He reckoned that a return to basics was called for and thought a good way to learn or rediscover close control and ball-playing skills was to line up a series of dustbins and have his players dribble in and out of them before going on to shoot in an empty net. He told his lads what he wanted them to do and went away to make a few phone calls. Twenty minutes later he went back down to the practice pitch and asked his captain how they were getting on. 'No too bad, boss,' came the reply, 'The bins are only beatin us two-nil.'
A Celtic fan wanders into a pub with his dog to watch his idols perform in a televised live match. He stands at the bar and his dog lies at his feet, also watching the TV screen. It's not Celtic's day and the Bhoys lose the match. As the final whistle goes and the commentator reads out the score, the dog starts barking wildly, leaping up and down and biting lumps out of the leg of the nearest bar stool. The barman watches this in astonishment then asks the Celts fan:
'Here, what's got inty your dug?'
The fan shrugs resignedly and replies:
'Well, he's Celtic-daft, that dug. He really does his nut when they get beat.'
'Is that a fact?' says the barman, 'And what does he get .up to when they win?'
'I don't know,' says the Celtic fan, 'I've only had him six months.'